The Novel

And finally it was done.

 The finished novel sat in front of him, printed and published just this past week. The large wooden desk it sat on was very old, sometimes when he ran his fingers along it he came across the odd splinter. It was a faded brown colour, having been picked up from a charity shop and painted years previously. This was the hardest story he had ever put down on paper, it had taken well over a year and had almost broken up his relationship.

"You spend more time bothered about your characters than me," she had shouted at him during one argument. Then they all blended into one, the arguments. One after the other and they had all seemed to be about the same nonsense. Him. His novel. His life. She never ever seemed to be happy.

Now there was nothing but silence.

 She had been reading the book right before it happened, a look of quiet contentment on her face. This would be a great seller, and she knew it. She quietly fantasized about finally getting a carpet for the old wooden boards on the living room floor, or even upgrading the television. She could never stay mad at him for long for that exact reason. She had stuck by him through times of hardship and now although her life was a fairly simple it was a comfortable one and it was all due to him. He knew it, she knew it too however she would strenuously deny it when asked.

 This went on for a few days, this wondrous silence, as she absorbed herself in his most recent novel. He had plenty of time to reflect on his writings, although he spent most of each day searching on the internet reading reviews massaging his own ego.

 ‘Wonderful writing’, the reviews screamed, ‘His best novel to date! This book will take you on an incredible adventure, but trust no-one.’

 He smiled with each one he read, knowing that his happiness would be short lived. Soon she would cease reading, either through boredom or through finishing the book. If she finished it then he would have a few days of her smiling and being nice to him, however if she gave up through boredom she would berate him over and over, leading to yet another fight until eventually one of them snapped, and stormed out taking the dog and the car with them. This was usually his role and although the fun of the fights had left him, he was getting old after all, he still tried to act like the regularly chided husband he was as it almost always ensured that she was happy on his return home. She took some sort of awful pleasure in knowing he was always within her control.

 Across the room she snapped the book shut bringing him out his trance like state immediately. She had a preference for hardback novels, and once he had asked her why.

 “The noise when you slam a hardback book shut is an utterly delightful sound,” she had quite dreamily snapped at him, as if it was the most obvious answer. She was usually such an angry person, and each time she happily snapped her book shut he realized this was one of those small things that kept her happy. From then on he made sure that every book he bought her was hardback, and each time he had another book published it came to the house in hardback. It was always all for her but she never saw it that way.

 “You can't write about me you idiot. Look how badly you've portrayed me!” her words took him by surprise, yet she raged on. “You’ve made me out to be some sort of monster!”

 He never usually based his characters fully on her, but each one of them contained a small part of her personality. How could she not understand that this was art? He was creating a version of her that would be forever immortilised, perhaps even on the big screen one day. It may not be her most flattering form however it was all true to her, all he had been was honest and she just didn't understand.

 “But darling,” he began.

 “Don’t darling me,” she spat, “Do you think I never noticed? All these years you’ve been writing your stupid books and you think I never noticed once that they were all about me?”

 He shook his head, she was wrong. He wrote about murder and yet here she was, standing in front of him screaming and as alive as she would ever be.

 “I know that you’ve been writing about me. I’m your muse.” She sarcastically barked the last word in his direction, “Without me you would just be that pathetic idiot you were before me. Without me you would have nothing to write about, and yet your stories have so much life to them. But you can’t write about me, I wont allow it. You absolute…”

She trailed off and spun away from him. The final insult not quite passing her beautiful ruby red lips. She was wrong, he never wrote about her. He wrote about pieces of her, but nothing solid enough for her to have proof that they were about her. Often aspects of her were in a crazy character in the background, but nothing solid enough to know that it was definitely her, nothing she could be sure of.

 “I’ll need to do something about this,” she berated him, still facing away, “I cannot have people thinking that this is me. I’m not some stupid angry person like you’ve made me out to be.”

 “So what makes you think that she is based on you?” His voice was quiet, quivering. He knew what this large lady was capable of. More than once she had beaten him with whatever came to hand at the time, a frying pan, the poker for the fire and most recently she had tried to strangle him with the cable from the newly installed telephone. He often feared that one day she would kill him.

 She began her angry tirade again, criticizing every move he’d ever made. His flaws were dragged out and celebrated, and his successes were slowly belittled. His fingers grazed over the cover of the book she had put down. He picked it up and quietly flicked through the pages, noting the grubby marks her greasy fingers had made on the once white pages.

 And seconds later it was over. The hard cover of the book let out a satisfying crack as it collided with the back of her skull, silencing her mid-way through her ranting. A split second passed and she collapsed to the floor, not moving, not speaking.

 “I do understand now,” he gave a small smile, “the noise these hard back books make is utterly delightful.”

Disability Awareness

I cannot believe that in the year 2016, in a modern society where people are accepted for everything from homosexuality to having bright green hair and pierced eyeballs people with a disability are still treated as a lesser human being. Yes, perhaps life for someone with a disability is vastly different to someone who does not have a disability. However life for someone with a disability is also hugely similar to that of someone who does not have a disability. 

 Almost everyone feels emotions of some sort, everyone has basic human needs, everyone needs emotional and mental stimulation and support. Someone who is in a wheelchair is not necessarily 'stuck in a wheelchair', they most certainly do not 'have no prospects for an independent future' and most importantly of all many of them do not 'suffer'. The Oxford English Dictionary defines the word 'suffer' as 'Experience or be subjected to (something bad or unpleasant).' A disability is not necessarily bad or unpleasant. It can on occasion limit someone's ability to experience certain things but most of the time that is just due to a lack of awareness and support from other people. 

 Disabled people have been known to do 'normal' things such as get jobs, settle down, drive a car, bake cakes and garden. They have also been known to do extraordinary things such as gain doctorates, have families, invent things and run countries. 

 Your life is only as limited as you allow it to be. Peoples barriers go up when they are treated like less of a person, and they lose confidence in themselves and interest in doing things. Right now, all over the world, people who are defined as 'disabled' are achieving incredible things. Things that as little as 40 years ago would have been nigh on impossible. 

 A disability is defined as 'A physical or mental condition that limits a person’s movements, senses, or activities' by the Oxford English Dictionary. And the operative word in this sentence is limits.  Because as the days and months go on, slowly but surely the members of the population who have a disability are changing the definition of disabled, making a difference to the world and most importantly, changing the thought pattern of the rest of the world. 

March is Cerebral Palsy Awareness Month 😁

March is Cerebral Palsy awareness month 🙂 

'Cerebral' means to do with the brain. 

'Palsy' means weakness or to do with the muscles.

1. CP is the most common childhood motor disability.

2. It can affect people in many different ways - some people are unable to walk and need lifelong care, others may walk only slightly awkwardly and need no further support. 

3. There are 3 main types of cerebral palsy. Many people will have a mixture of these types.

4. People with CP can live perfectly acceptably 'normal' lives 😁 

CP affects muscle control and movement. It's usually caused by an injury to the brain before, during or after birth. Children with cerebral palsy have difficulties in controlling muscles and movements as they grow and develop.

*The current UK incidence rate is around 1 in 400 births.

*Approximately 1,800 children are diagnosed with cerebral palsy every year.

*There are an estimated 30,000 children with cerebral palsy in the UK.

*There are more boys born with cerebral palsy than girls. For every 100 girls with cerebral palsy, there are 135 boys with cerebral palsy.

*Just under a half of children with cerebral palsy were born prematurely (before 37 weeks gestation).

*One in three children with cerebral palsy is unable to walk.

*One in four children with cerebral palsy cannot feed or dress themselves.

*One in four children with cerebral palsy has a severe learning disability.

*A child who is mildly affected by CP can expect to have much the same length of life as a child without CP.

*A child of two who cannot walk, and cannot feed or dress himself, and has severe learning difficulties is as likely as not to live to age 25.

Reading

 Reading and writing are two of my most favourite hobbies, two of my go-to things when I'm stressed or tired or bored, and my two first-listed hobbies on CV's, job applications and anything else that requests 'hobbies'. For most of my childhood I recall writing songs, stories and poems, while in the midst of forming a band and longing trees, sleepovers with my friends and studying to be a teacher and a nurse, a midwife and all the other careers I had dreamed of. For a few years I dipped in and out of writing, I had doubts quietly approved and encouraged by some who should have been providing encouragement and this put me off. I wasn't good enough and I never would be. I needed to get a 'real' job instead of spending time on daft hobbies. I read less and spent more time working, eventually sliding into a career in care. At one stage I was working three jobs in order to support myself and I still never seemed to have money, I was tired all the time and I wasn't happy. These was a very sad period in my life, and I had no hobbies to distract myself from my seemingly dismal existence. At the time it appeared to me that I was actually happy, and what I was doing was beneficial to my life instead of detrimental to my health and my social circle. 

 One long and (in places) slightly sad story later I'm in a better place physically, emotionally and financially. I'm able to read more, to write more and spend more time with myself, and with saying that I've finally decided to set myself a very loose 'resolution' for 2016. 

 My plan for this year is to read more. I'm aiming for 100 books by the end of December, but I'm positive I can probably almost double that. I'm going to write more - be it prose, a blog or non fiction it'll be down on paper. Most importantly I'm going to make sure I'm spending time keeping myself happy. I've spent far too much time being concerned with others, other people who don't have the same respect for me that I do for them, people who completely take advantage of others kindness. Those people will probably never truly be happy because of their reliance on other people. 

 As much as I have a vague idea, I don't know what this year holds for me exactly. But the more I find out I know I'm looking forward to seeing where I am in January 2017!

2016! 353 days to go! (I think)

 Reading and writing are two of my most favourite hobbies. Two of my go-to things when I'm stressed or tired or bored, and my two first-listed hobbies on CV's, job applications and anything else that requests 'hobbies'. For most of my childhood I recall writing songs, stories and poems, while in the midst of forming a band and longing trees, sleepovers with my friends and studying to be a teacher and a nurse, a midwife and all the other careers I had dreamed of. For a few years I dipped in and out of writing, I had doubts quietly approved and encouraged by some who should have been providing encouragement and this put me off. I wasn't good enough and I never would be. I needed to get a 'real' job instead of spending time on daft hobbies. I read less and spent more time working, eventually sliding into a career in care. At one stage I was working three jobs in order to support myself and I still never seemed to have money, I was tired all the time and I wasn't happy. These was a very sad period in my life, and I had no hobbies to distract myself from my seemingly dismal existence. At the time it appeared to me that I was actually happy, and what I was doing was beneficial to my life instead of detrimental to my health and my social circle. 

 One long and (in places) slightly sad story later I'm in a better place physically, emotionally and financially. I'm able to read more, to write more and spend more time with myself, and with saying that I've finally decided to set myself a very loose 'resolution' for 2016. 

 My plan for this year is to read more. I'm aiming for 100 books by the end of December, but I'm positive I can probably almost double that. I'm going to write more - be it prose, a blog or non fiction it'll be down on paper. Most importantly I'm going to make sure I'm spending time keeping myself happy. I've spent far too much time being concerned with others, other people who don't have the same respect for me that I do for them, people who completely take advantage of others kindness. Those people will probably never truly be happy because of their reliance on other people. 

 As much as I have a vague idea, I don't know what this year holds for me exactly. But the more I find out I know I'm looking forward to seeing where I am in January 2017!

New Year, New Motivation!

One of the hardest feelings to deal with in life, in my opinion, would have to be the feeling of inadequacy. The feeling that no matter what you do there's always someone who can do better. You write a blog? They've started one too and can write better than you. You've travelled Europe? They've travelled the world. But on the other end of the scale there's also those people who always have to be worse off than you. You've got the cold? They've got flu. You're having a bad day? They're having a bad month. You've lost your job and suddenly their marriage has broken up, they've lost their house and their job. And their dog. 

 I have always wondered why people like this genuinely exist. People who always have to be better off or worse off than you. I'm not quite sure what it is that leads to people having these feelings - maybe it's their own feelings of inadequacy. Surely as people we should be celebrating each other's achievements and supporting each other through harder times. At the end of the day you can never compare your problems to someone else's. Everyone deals with things differently and what might seem like the end of the world as you know it might just be a tiny blip on someone else's horizon. Your problem could be the beginning of new things, but for someone else they don't have a clue how they're ever going to go on. Everybody is different. 

 A huge potentially life changing (actually it's definitely life changing) decision in my work life has led to me aiming for something I never thought I'd ever attempt. And because of this potential for my success I've spent a lot of time talking to my colleagues about what they'd like to do if they ended up out of a job in care. Most of them seemed to be quite interested in pursuing an older interest or a newly formed interest - some of them stated they wouldn't want to go back into the job that they're in just now. Some of them are dreaming of pursuing goals they set when they were younger. It's nice to see people being positively re-motivated.

Although it makes you really wonder why do some people never think of the consequences of their actions on other people? 

I need to locate me some willpower!

I need to shake myself and take control. I need to stop letting people wander all over be top of me, and sort myself out. I'm so fed up of people constantly taking me for a fool but I'm also aware that my confidence is always low and that's a big problem.

 I hate my weight. I'm not overly overweight but I am technically sitting in the 'obese' category of BMI's. I like food. Sweet food to be specific. I'm a total sucker for all things chocolatey and sugary which is my downfall everywhere. Slimming World has been my saviour in recent weeks as its got me back into cooking for myself. I've rediscovered a love of cooking, of homemade soups and curries and of low fat but delicious meals. Food always tastes better when it's home made. It tastes even better when it's made for you by someone else, but home made food is always much better than takeaways. 

 My favourite thing to do at the moment is batch cook soup. The soup I make is packed with vegetables. A lot of the veg I use is 'speed food'. Now speed food is a big part of slimming world - this is food that that is meant to 'boost' weight loss. 

 It works. I know it works. It doesn't teach you to diet it teaches you to rethink how you cook and how you eat. You increase vegetables, cook using 1cal spray, fry less. Generally tips that are actually common sense if you think about it. 

 My biggest slimming world problem is that I have no willpower and I'm always hungry. I could have dinner and 10 minutes later I'm starving again. And then I go to bad things - McDonalds, cake, crisps, sandwiches. Easy convenience foods!

 I weigh in on Thursday at a different group from my norm then on Monday I'm back at my usual group. In the seven weeks I've been following slimming world I've lost and gained and lost and my total off stands at 4lbs. In the fortnight I've been away from my group I put on 1lb. 

 I'm hoping I can get back on track this week. For some reason my need for sweet things always supersedes my want to be thinner and more confident. Hopefully I can get that under control and sort it out and sort me out and be a thinner, more confident version of myself just in time for the summer!