I need to locate me some willpower!

I need to shake myself and take control. I need to stop letting people wander all over be top of me, and sort myself out. I'm so fed up of people constantly taking me for a fool but I'm also aware that my confidence is always low and that's a big problem.

 I hate my weight. I'm not overly overweight but I am technically sitting in the 'obese' category of BMI's. I like food. Sweet food to be specific. I'm a total sucker for all things chocolatey and sugary which is my downfall everywhere. Slimming World has been my saviour in recent weeks as its got me back into cooking for myself. I've rediscovered a love of cooking, of homemade soups and curries and of low fat but delicious meals. Food always tastes better when it's home made. It tastes even better when it's made for you by someone else, but home made food is always much better than takeaways. 

 My favourite thing to do at the moment is batch cook soup. The soup I make is packed with vegetables. A lot of the veg I use is 'speed food'. Now speed food is a big part of slimming world - this is food that that is meant to 'boost' weight loss. 

 It works. I know it works. It doesn't teach you to diet it teaches you to rethink how you cook and how you eat. You increase vegetables, cook using 1cal spray, fry less. Generally tips that are actually common sense if you think about it. 

 My biggest slimming world problem is that I have no willpower and I'm always hungry. I could have dinner and 10 minutes later I'm starving again. And then I go to bad things - McDonalds, cake, crisps, sandwiches. Easy convenience foods!

 I weigh in on Thursday at a different group from my norm then on Monday I'm back at my usual group. In the seven weeks I've been following slimming world I've lost and gained and lost and my total off stands at 4lbs. In the fortnight I've been away from my group I put on 1lb. 

 I'm hoping I can get back on track this week. For some reason my need for sweet things always supersedes my want to be thinner and more confident. Hopefully I can get that under control and sort it out and sort me out and be a thinner, more confident version of myself just in time for the summer!

Just... life things

I've been really enjoying my life lately. It's taken a while but I'm finally headed somewhere positive (I think) and things are on a good streak. 

Mainly. 

It's a hard one isn't it? Happiness. You might never know whether you're truly happy or not, sometimes you think you're happy and you're actually not you're just settled, but it takes something life-changing to happen to make you see any different. I thought like that last year, even this time last year. I'd split up wth my ex-boyfriend in October last year and I'd thought we were really happy, I had a good job and a house and a beautiful wee cat and then it all fell apart. Slowly. It was like when it snows - it started off small, with things gently falling out of place and then suddenly everything was out of my control. I lost my job, then my boyfriend and then my house. 

 A year down the line I'm happier than I think I have been for a long time. I'm (loosely) sticking to slimming world so I'm still healthier than I've ever been, I socialise more, I have a job I adore with wonderful people. But I'm itching. I'm itching for change, for something new. Something more of a challenge with new people! 

 My biggest issue awkwardly is people. Socially I struggle sometimes. New people I find hard to handle and groups of people. Often groups of people I know but don't know to talk to are the worst. Even sometimes single people I know but don't do are hard for me to talk to. I get all awkward and shy and embarrassed then I realise I'm acting like a clown and get more embarrassed and it's just a hard circle to escape from. 

 But I always think that it makes you feel more alive to be in those sort of situations, the ones that make you worry a bit and your heart beat faster. Because you're feeling something no matter how small or pathetic it actually is. A reminder that yes you're still here and yes you matter. So many people don't understand how much they mean to another person or even know their own self worth. 

 I'd like to live far away, in some small town or village somewhere. Smaller than Irvine but not completely off the map. I like the sound of Orkney or Skye or the Shetland Islands. But on an opposite thought I'd be happy in Inverness or Fife or Aberdeen. Somewhere northern and a tiny tad more rural than here. 

 Nothing in Irvine really entices me more or draws me in to stay. Except for my job I have, but who knows how long that's going to last.

Believe in You

People always very quick to tell you to 'never give up' on things in life, especially when it comes to your hopes and dreams. Anyone whose ever had any sort of dream or goal must know that this is nigh on impossible. The most important thing in my eyes is that you don't give up in the long term, so most importantly if you DO give up for whatever reason take time, give yourself a quick shake and jump up right back on it! Life is short and unfortunately during that time you will come across and spend copious amounts of time with the wrong people who will discourage you and belittle you. 

The most important thing ever is to believe in yourself!

I didn't for a long time due to negative experiences and even more negative people, but fortunately after a rather long period of time I've finally been able to pick myself up, dust myself off and get moving again in life 😊

Slimming World... Problem Solved?

 So this is my sixth week at slimming world. I've been attending the meetings every single week for my weigh in and staying for some classes, but it's been hard this past three or so weeks because I've been on and off plan on a daily basis. It showed in the scales as this week I gained 1lb. 

 I've been going with my best friend and so far she's lost a grand total of 17lbs whereas I've lost a measly 4. I keep making excuses - I'll get back on track tomorrow, I'll be back on it after my weigh in this week, and the worst one 'I don't really need to lose weight anyway'. 

 I don't necessarily need to lose weight, I'm not hugely overweight but it's more of a personal thing, more of a choice. I'm uncomfortable with how I look and how I feel and I want to be healthier for next year, preferably next summer. Slimming world is a godsend that way as its looking at changing eating habits as opposed to calorie counting. Calorie counting on very bad at as I'll have my calories on stupid things, tiny portions of chicken nuggets instead of being sensible. Plus I hate carb restrictive diets - feed me pasta and potatoes and I'll love you forever!

 One of my biggest problems is the relationship I have with food. I have a very odd relationship, I'm so fussy with what I eat, I'll not try new things so every so often I get so bored with my repetitive diet that I just don't eat because I can't decide what I want because it all sounds so bland and then I get so hungry I go for the nearest convenience - often kfc or McDonald's. Maybe I need to make a bit of a resolution to try more new foods - using quorn I can try so many new things as they're easy enough to swap. I often make 'chicken' curries and bolognese using this method. Maybe I should make an effort to try one or two new recipes per week.

 One thing I do love is my soups. They're packed with vegetable and can be nothing but good for me. I batch cook and freeze, making one or two soup per time and then freezing between 5 and 10 bags. Being free on slimming world I can put rice in my soups to bulk them out and this does me a meal! 

 I'm not even finding myself wanting to eat as much sugar as I did previously, my love for cakes and biscuits comes and goes but often these days I'd rather have melon or something savoury which I suppose has to be good. There's so much free savoury stuff, a lot of it quick to make! 

 On that note I better not forget that I need to buy more veggie sausages... I've eaten all the ones I had 😆

Just a wee daily post

Sometimes I find it hard to think of things that I want to blog about. I don't feel my life is particularly interesting enough (although it certainly has its days!). Sometimes I'm just at a total loss and don't have a clue. 

 I talk a lot about my job. I love my job, but I think it's more for the people than for the 'job satisfaction'. It's definitely more these two reasons than the pay level. I'm paid decently enough for what I do and it's more than the minimum wage but it's certainly not a pay I'd like to stay on for the rest of my life. 

 My biggest problem lies with the fact that I love my job, I know I'm good at my job, I'm quite well liked within my workplace and I'm fairly happy and settled. However I don't ever want to move up. I'm happiest working with the people, on the lowest level. I don't want to move up to eventually be a manager because I feel in my line of work that this is where all of the job leaves the job and the stress and paperwork just piles up. I don't think I'd cope too well with that. 

 My mum is forever on at me to try and work my way up or to perhaps retrain as a nurse, but again I feel nursing is becoming a paperwork oriented and highly stressful job. Where's the satisfaction there? Where's the utter joy from helping someone albeit with the most basic of tasks? 

 I know my mum and family are just wanting the best for me but sometimes I find it hard to try and talk to them to let them know I'm happy enough where I am for now. At the moment I like my job, I like the free time and freedom I get, I'm happy enough with my holidays and I'm pretty damn good at following my job role. 

 Maybe in the future ill want a more permanent or creative or easy going or harder working career, who knows. For now though I'm just grateful for the opportunity to be making a significant difference in the lives of both those I work with and those I support. 

 Makes all the bad days worthwhile!

What is 'the Norm'

I'm a Support Worker. 

This job has numerous titles - Care Assistant, Care Practitioner, Care at Home Assistant, Community Alarm Staff, Personal Assistant, but all these titles effectively mean the same thing. 

 People in this line of work, my line of work, are at the very forefront of other people's lives. We help people who may have any number or form of disabilities to have a 'normal life'. Because  quite often people with disabilities are still seen to be 'abnormal' in some way. 

 A disability can be caused by any number of factors - age, genes, gender, an accident or fall and issues during or at birth can all lead to a disability. Brain damage is a big cause and this can be caused by something as minor as a bump to the head. A car accident or assault can also leave you with enough brain damage to be left with a disability for the rest of your life. Sadly many members of the public can't wrap their heads around the fact that at any time, suddenly your life could just change. Families also struggle with a change in their relative if something happens, and this is mainly because people still see people who have a disability as being heavily reliant on others. This isn't always true and from my personal experiences I've worked with people who require 24 hour care and support, adults who need constant supervision, people who require sporadic visits and people who are so independent that they don't need support at all. These four very different groups of people have only one thing in common - they're all registered disabled. 

People with a disability are often viewed as 'different' or 'strange' or 'not normal' but to be honest I think people have lost sight of what the word 'normal' actually means. Normal is something that is different to every single person on this planet. For some people it's normal to go to work every day, but that's not everyone. For some people normal is driving a car to work, but that's not everyone. For some people normal is jumping onto a private jet and flying halfway around the world because you fancied some proper Colombian coffee beans, but that's definitely not a normality for most people. 

Normal is an image that is different to each person who seeks it, because at the end of the day it's what you as a person define it as and since everyone's an individual there's got to be over 7 billion different 'normals' spread all over the world.

 Someone who has a disability is much more easily incorporated and accepted into society than they were as little as 30 and 40 years ago, but discrimination is still there and still needs to be more widely challenged within society. People are people at the end of the day and we're all that little bit different, it's a part of what makes us human. You've got to see the person before you see the disability, after all we wouldn't define each other as 'blondie' or 'specs' or 'terrible fashion sense' (well my pals would, these are some of my personal nicknames!)

 A woman I work with at the moment has a disability that means she has limited upper body movement and she can't weight bear, so she's in a wheelchair to get about. But she's not long achieved a doctorate at University, she's set up her own business and has just landed a part time job. Her neighbour helps out teaching foreign languages in a local primary school where she is totally adored by the children. 

Personal ability is a perception and normality is an easily achievable illusion, if it were not for people holding themselves back with their lack of confidence, and holding others back with their outdated views and their lack of belief in others. 

Acceptance isn't something anybody should have to fight for so just be nice to each other, eh?

Slimming World

I love my job as a support worker - I work permanent nightshift in a residential unit for adults with disabilities. Some of the people I work with live here permanently but some only come in for respite.

 It's one of those wonderfully rewarding but stressful jobs that come along every so often giving you just the right amount of job satisfaction that the bad days don't make you tear your hair out and quit spontaneously. 

 The only issue I have with it is how hard it is to stick to a diet! Diets usually consist of calorie counting, and when you're awake 22 out of 24 hours for work how do you work that? Sticking to 1300 calories per day isn't easy because when you eat most of those calories during the day by the time break time comes on nightshift you're starving. And a salad just doesn't cut it!

 During my time on nightshift I've had a huge variation of meals... Macaroni or pizza alternate nights. Because that's my two favourite dinners! It's also why I'm slightly chunkier than I should be. 

 My pizzas are just pizza. I microwave them, eat them and then feel sad because I've got none left. 

 Macaroni has always been different. I've had macaroni on a plate, with ketchup, on toast, on a roll and at one point I had it on top of my pizza!

 Since joining slimming world 6 weeks ago I've made a huge effort to change my eating habits. I've not done very good but I'm trying and that's the main thing. I've swapped a lot of eating out for eating in - I used to be at McDonald's or kfc on an almost daily basis but that's all different now. Slimming world has been wonderful for me because I've got a new sense of importance because I've been cooking for myself more often that not, although I seem to burn a lot of my food and my grandparents keep joking I've missed a trick and should be working in a crematorium. 

I have such a horrible fear of food poisoning which leads me to have a terribly limited diet. I won't eat any meat other than chicken (and chicken has to be cut into tiny little pieces and even then it's rare), I like my food to be slightly burnt as I worry when it's soggy, and I like to be totally sure that it's cooked. I'm a nightmare for anyone other than me to feed which is why slimming world has been so wonderful for me. I've discovered dishes I didn't know I'd like and using quorn products has led me to experiment a bit more without the panic of becoming ill. Although judging by my cooking I'm pretty surprised that I haven't yet been ill!

 To date I've lost 5lbs, which I'm not overly happy with but its better a loss than a gain! I've been terrible this past fortnight due to my birthday and eating out so many nights but I've been back on track on plan the past couple of days. 

 Dinner last night on nightshift was homemade soup, pasta and a salad. Followed by a yoghurt and a Crunchie. My Crunchie didn't go to plan as the chocolate was all discoloured and horrible looking, and there was a funny smell. Someone's looking out for me and is determined I'll have a loss this week!

Shame it's not me, I'm going home for another Crunchie 😬

I Have Bad Dreams Regularly

I have a really strange phobia.

I'm scared of all the usual things - ghosts, scary movies, snakes, adulthood - I'm a little more nervous than most, and I do know that I scare a lot easier than some of my friends and family member do. Most of my phobias tend to boil down to one common fear - I'm afraid of getting hurt or seriously injured and potentially dying. 

 Watching films that scare me sends my already highly active imagination into overdrive. I've seen me working a nightshift and panicking during it that there's vampires or zombies kicking about outside of the residential unit I work in. I fear looking into the darkened windows of the individual homes of the residents and am even more afraid of looking out to the outside world in case I see one of the fictional vampires I am so afraid of. Random and unexplained noises get me, as do the silly sudden pains I experience as a part of my body continually working to replenish and grow and change itself. 

 In short, I'm a total shitebag. 

The oddest fear that I have is the fear of running out of something to do. I put off reading new magazines and books I've bought for the fear of what they'll bring - sadness when they finish, a waste of time if I don't enjoy them or find them helpful and boredom when I run out of things to do. It occurred to me that I need to find some way to deal with this when I recently picked up a magazine I'm sure I only bought a week or three ago to find that actually it was the very outdated August 2015 version of that particular publication. I know in my head that there's a very unlikely chance that I'll ever run out of books and magazines to read, not when they're being printed so regularly, but the irrational and partly idiotic part of my brain tells me that this is a possibility!

 I've currently got a 'December' copy of a magazine sitting in my room, alongside another 23 books that are in my 'yet to read' pile. Some of them I'm nervous for reading in case I don't enjoy them, but more of them are unread due to this stupid and totally ridiculous silly fear I have. I know that life is short and you should never take it for granted, maybe that's partly one of my reasonings for not reading all those books. If I didn't enjoy one the nosy person within me would force myself to continue reading in order to find out what happens to the characters. Studying people is one of the pleasures in my life that will never get old! 

People quite often are wonderful, irrational and pointless fears are not.

The Arrival of Deaths Ambulance

The ambulance drew up outside the front door of the nursing home. The silence inside it was deafening, lingering like a melody once sang but now forgotten. It wasn’t your usual emergency vehicle, large and dark, and entirely black with ‘Ambulance’ in painted in angry red capital letters along the side. A member of the staff had spotted the ambulance arrive and immediately dashed off to raise the alarm. 
Sitting in the drivers seat was one lone, ageing man, dressed in black and sitting silently staring at the front doors. The determination showed in his tired and unpleasant face, almost as if he knew he had a point to prove. He knew there was a point to prove, as a previous attempt at a taking had led to him being beaten back and having to leave. This had never happened, not to him anyway. The last fellow who had this job had been sacked when he had started to age, and although he knew he was getting older and slower he still had more strength than those who were standing against him. There was always a fight, and he always won. This time would be no different.

Noticing the ruckus that was beginning to kick off at the front door he let a small, cruel smile cross his lips. They were preparing for a fight and as always, he was ready for it.
‘Ethel,” he muttered, “I’m coming for you.”
With that he climbed out of the drivers seat and positioned himself at the back door of the ambulance. He looked up at the front door of the building again, noticing decidedly more determined looking people had joined the small crowd that had gathered, most of them wondering who he was here to collect this time. Each one of them quietly wondering if it was their turn for a ride in the Ambulance. 
From inside the building, the gathered residents and staff watched as the small, tired looking man struggled to pull a black and silver gurney out of the back of the van. After wrestling with the device for five minutes he had it build up and had begun his slow march up to the front door, the grin on his face reflecting the evil in him and showing exactly how much he was looking forward to his assignment. 
Inside the corridor at the front door all hell had broken loose. Staff began to shepherd the residents back into their rooms, knowing their attempts at fighting him off would be futile, and this way less people would be harmed by the scene that was about to occur. 
The staff in the nursing home had long ago stopped fighting with the ambulance crewman, knowing that no matter what went on the resident would be taken away anyway. This was a much kinder way than leaving them here, for if they were left they suffered with pain and discomfort until their final day when they were united with Death regardless of the prior fight. 
It was an odd feeling, knowing what was about to happen whilst trying to remain calm having the knowledge of what was to come. But by now, the people were more than used to it. 

Scotland

I've always been a 'home bird'. I love where I live and I'm a massive fan of Scotland. We've got so much in our little tiny country, that I don't feel I'm missing out on anything by not travelling extensively. Out of every country in the world the only places I'd be really interested in visiting would be Paris and Italy. In Scotland however there's much more. I'd love to go to Orkney and to Skye, take a wee trip to Tiree and Stornoway. I love Edinburgh, it's such a beautiful city and although I've been to Aberdeen it's been years and I'd love to go back.

 I'm desperate to go a wee driving tour up to the north of Scotland to get to visit all of these places. It's so beautiful the further north you get, plus we've got daft things like the Kelpies and the Loch Ness Monster to amuse you. (Kelpies for those of you wondering are mythological shape shifting seahorses, who would Lee people onto their backs and then drag them deep into the lochs to drown them! Creepy, huh?) 

 Scottish mythology is a wonderful thing, packed with tales that can actually be quite creepy! We've got Selkies - half seal half person who can change between the two by the removal of their skin - and then there's the Blue Men of Minch - who are blue skinned men who live in the sea between the Isle of Lewis and the mainland seeking sailors to drown. 

 Even Ayrshire, where I was born and bred, has plenty of wonderful places. We have Vanilla Joes (Scotland's best Ice Cream Parlour. And I'm not just saying that, they were voted Best Gelateria at the Italian Awards this year), we have Loch Doon and the coastline between Girvan and Ballantrae is a beautiful drive on a sunny day. 

 Irvine itself isn't terribly bad. It's close enough to major cities for an escape if you need one, but we don't have a huge amount of stuff. 

We have a fairly run down Mall, filled with poundshops and crammed full of teenagers with no manners every weekend (I sound about 74 never mind 24!), and we have an oddly placed massive TV right in the centre of our town. 

 Recently though, for the first time in my life I've been considering life outside of my comfort zone. Maybe I'm having a mini mid-life crisis, or maybe I'm just starting to see there's not much here for me other than what I'm used to. Irvine is what I know, maybe a little bit too well.

 Maybe a change should be on the horizon.

Mood Changer

When I woke up this morning I was in a really good mood, I was happy and set up for a brilliant day. Unfortunately after a quick nosy on Facebook and Twitter - a part of my usual morning routine - I'm at a total loss for words at how some of these people, some of my 'friends' are talking about the plight of those less fortunate than we are in the UK. From the casual racism to the downright horrific I think I've seen everything somewhere this morning. 

 Do people actually have such little compassion for other people? Bearing in mind it is people we are discussion and not animals or anything. Although in saying that even animals get more compassion and better treatment than some of the refugees who are coming into our country. I don't understand some peoples ways of thinking and it upsets me to see the abuse these poor people are receiving - hate crimes are on the rise now.

 I hope some people are aware that some of their posts and some things they've shared actually hold the power to get them sacked if their current employer were to get a hold of them. 

 That's social media at its worst.

You're my star, Yes you are 🌟

Do you even find a song, be it an old one or a newly released one, and you just can't get enough of it? 

 I find I take these almost obsessions every so often. And get to a stage whereI love a song so much I have it on repeat and it makes me happy to sing along as loud as I can. I find that even when I listen to the song I want to listen to it again even if it's just started. I love it so much I want to listen to it even if I'm already listening to it. 

 I'm never quite sure whether it's the music I love or the lyrics. 

 My 'obsession' right now is a song called 'You're My Star' by Welsh band the Stereophonics. I know with this song I absolutely adore the lyrics of it, it's one of those ridiculously cute songs that makes you think of someone that you love very much.

 I love the Stereophonics in general, I love the singing voice of their lead singer Kelly Jones. (I also love the Welsh accent but I've listened to a few interviews with him and he doesn't seem to have much of an accent). I travelled down to Cardiff in Wales once four or so years ago to see a band (who went through something recently that is horrific, but only the fault of one member, and so are remaining unnamed). It took us about 12 hours of bus journeys (through Birmingham at 4am during the summer of riots. Believe me that was terrifying) and the band were amazing live but to me the whole journey was worth it for the Welsh accent.

Here is a photo of me enjoying McDonalds pancakes at 4am at a random bus stop in Birmingham with my beautiful friend Lisa.

 Music itself is a wonderful thing. The knowledge that whether you're having a good day or a bad day music is always there either to continue your cheery mood or to bounce you back when you're feeling low. There's a song for every mood. 

 Personally there's nothing I enjoy more than turning my car into my own personal karaoke booth. I'll sing just about anything off my phone and more often than not will sing along to the radio too. I've had more than one embarrassing stop at traffic lights, mid way through the performance of a lifetime to look over to my right and spy the two teenage-ish boys having a right good laugh! Not that it bothers me, I'm happy and having fun and really that's all that matters. 

 This last year has been a big year for me, I've been through a fair load of stuff, both negative and positive, but it's all made me a stronger and better person. At least I hope it has. I've got many of the same friends I've had for years and years, and I've got the most wonderful and huge extended family, so I've got an impressive support network round about me. I know right now everything that's happened over the past year has led to me feeling a lot happier than I have over the past 5 or so years, and that's led to me deciding to take some huge but positive and perhaps slightly risky steps for my own future. 

Here's hoping! 😊

It's Been Some Weekend

I've had such a very busy weekend! I had many meals out and trips out to places because I had a birthday and I have now reached the grand age of 24. 

 The oldest I've ever been and yet the youngest I'll ever be. And I certainly don't feel old enough to be described by words such as 'wise' and 'mature'. I'm definitely not as immature as I was even as little as a year ago but I'm still young. 

 I had a cracking weekend. I had pizza and pasta, I had cake and a buffet. I had fajitas and even managed to still lose weight at slimming world! Like I said I had a good weekend.

 Monday was my actual birthday. I slept for half of it as i'd been nightshift doing overtime the night before. I know, I was doing overtime going into my birthday! Can't complain though as I was provided with cake and minty fudge, and we called in a takeaway. I don't think I've ever laughed on a shift as much as I did on the 15th of November.  

 With everything wonderful that's been going on in my life it's been quite upsetting to read and remember about the horrific things that are going on elsewhere in the world. It makes me so sad that people elsewhere are killing each other, the casual racism I've witnessed is terrible and some British people's horrific attitude of just expecting everything handed to them is absolutely awful! We live in a country where we're lucky to have a wonderful NHS that we don't pay for (and yet due to government cuts people complain about it all the time), and we have a benefits system that's meant to help you out short term but so many people end up on for longer term due to no fault of their own. People still complain that they 'don't get enough' money and yet there's other people who are doing so much to fight to keep their heads above water without having to rely on other people. 

 Life can be very hard.

The worst thing I've seen is so many people blaming benefit cuts on the recent arrival of refugees. And people claiming they've been 'turned down' for benefits (which clearly means you don't qualify for them) and stating that it's 'because of the refugees', which is nonsense as the refugees are funded from a separate budget from the benefits, and they have to be in the UK for more than 2 years before they can even legally claim benefits!

 These poor people are fleeing from war, from terror, from a country where there's no jobs, and no hope. They come here for safety and to find happiness, so that their children can grow up without knowing the fear their parents have experienced. 

And people in this country are acting like they have it bad? 

Paris 🇫🇷

Today I am sad. 

I am sad for those in Paris who have lost someone. 

I am sad for those in Paris who are going through what they're all going through right now.

I am sad for those who follow a religion that so many in the world do not understand. 

I am sad for those brainwashed and few extremists who carry out these atrocious acts of terrorism, and also make it so hard for others to be accepted.

I am thinking of those in Paris who have lost their lives.

I will be thinking of everyone involved.

Praying for Paris 🇫🇷❤️

I get by with a little help from my friends

Friendship is strange. It seems to make people a little crazy and very entitled. So many people are falling out with close friends over stupid things - you didn't text me all day, you text me in a strange tone, you didn't ask me how the thing was (you know that thing I was at but didn't bother to tell you about?). Friendship is so much more than whether or not you speak to someone every day. 

 Some friends go long periods without talking to each other and some friends get the pleasure of seeing each other every day. Some friends live far apart but some lucky ones work together.

 It is my personal opinion whether or not someone makes the effort to contact you isn't a huge factor in friendship. Yes it's important for them to sometimes contact you but honestly, how often do you make the effort to speak to them? Do you contact them every day or so? If they're ignoring you unless they need you then yes it's a toxic friendship, end it now and move on with your life. If you've decided yourself to just sit back and wait for them to contact you because you feel you are so incredibly 'important ' perhaps you're a little self obsessed and no, it's not a friendship you or your friend should be in. Being in any kind of relationship is a two way street. Both parties need to make effort or it won't work.

 More commonly these days I'm seeing 'you find out who your true friends are when you're pregnant' or 'you find out who your true friends are as you get older'. This of course can be very true but a fair few of the people saying this are the ones who need to remember that it's a two way street. You can't just sit about and wait for your friends to contact you and invite you places. Make your own plans!

 I've been lucky to have the same friends since I was 5, 10, 13 and 22. Those 6 girls are my absolute life and 3 of them stay between 2 and 17 hours drive away from me (she's in Berlin!) three of them are close by and honestly I couldn't survive without them. They've got their own lives so I know sometimes they're too busy for me or they have their own lives and jobs and families to deal with, and sometimes I can go days or even weeks where I don't talk to certain of them once. 

 I know for a fact that no matter what, if I needed any one of them at any time for something, whether it's important or not, that they'd be there. I know if I needed a friend or support or a shoulder to cry on they'd be there for me. Without fail they always are. And to me I'm pretty sure that that's the most important part of friendship.

Stay Determined!

 The Oxford Dictionary defines ‘determined’ as ‘having made a firm decision and being resolved not to change it’. Determination is something I seem to have developed this month, as I’ve been thinking a lot about my future and where I’d like to see myself in 5 years time. My baby brother is 14, (ok so he's not really a baby now but still the youngest out of the three of us) and he’s decided he wants to study architecture when he leaves school. He’s picked his 3rd year subjects based on this and he’s got a plan in his head of how he’s going to achieve this. My other brother is 21 and has not long qualified as a Heating Engineer. He’s pretty much set for life as this is a job where theres usually always work somewhere. I’m the only ‘undecided’ in the family. Im 24 (in a week!) and still not 100% sure where I’d like to go in the future. I know if I ever opted to go to university I’d much prefer to move away, but my problem lies with what to study! 

 I have a basic background in journalism, I studied it in 2010 and gained a HNC with a B in my Graded Unit. However, not very many people are aware of this as right now I am working within the care sector, a job which I could never say I any less than absolutely adore. I’m a support worker within a unit for people who have various disabilities. Some people live there before eventually moving on into their own tenancies, some come down for a week or so at a time to give their permanent carers a break. But I’m not sure if I’d like to work in nursing. I’m not sure a nurse is what I want to be for the rest of my life. I’ve always had a passion for writing but sadly for a while life took over. I had responsibilities, a partner and a house, and was holding down three jobs. At one point I was at college as well, and writing just took a back step. At night when I sat down (if I wasn’t working nightshift) I was so tired all I wanted was to go to my bed.

 But thats all in the past now, and I know I’ve overcome a lot myself this past 18 months. I’ve learned so much about myself and my likes and dislikes and for the first time in a few years I’m genuinely happy with myself and my life. Those things I’m not too keen on are changeable, and thats exactly what I’m in the process of doing. An awful lot has been changing in my life so why should I not perhaps look into a change of career for me as well? I’ve been spending some quality time with me, trying to think about where I can picture myself in five years time. I think I’ve got a plan, but I’m keeping it under wraps for the time being. So hopefully all going well I’ll have an idea of where I’m going by this time next year.

 Fingers crossed!

Don't Forget Those You Love This Christmas

It's officially winter. And I like this time of year, it's my favourite time of year. My birthdays coming up, then the run up to Christmas, then there's that happy 'fat' period between Christmas and new year before everyone decides that they're on a fitness kick come the new year. Even the weather is my favourite kind of weather. I don't do too well when there's too much heat. 

There's so much to look forward to as well! Christmas lights being switched on, tree decorating, fun nights out and cosy nights in. Plus there's all that wonderful telly. Christmas seems to be the only time you don't see people complaining every day about constant reruns - I wonder if that's because we haven't seen them in a year? 

Christmas adverts are becoming a big thing too, with everyone from huge department stores right down to local supermarkets getting involved in big budget productions designed almost like mini movies. 

The John Lewis Christmas advert is one of the most anticipated pieces of advertising each year. And it's got a wonderful little bit of additional thought to it this year. Working closely with Age UK, the two companies are hoping that the advert will encourage members of the general public and employees of J.L to volunteer to work or to donate money to Age UK to help support some of our lonely elderly people in our communities. Elderly people are often forgotten about the closer we get to Christmas with all the rushing and business, and with winter setting in and pensions low health risks are at an all time high. Winter weather makes it harder for someone with limited mobility to be able to go out. And some elderly people go throughout the festive period seeing no more than the carers who come in to support them on a daily basis. Those who don't require much support don't even get that little bit of joy. 

That's where this unlikely partnership comes in. People have eagerly awaited this new John Lewis advert and I'm hopeful that they'll have realised some of the meaning behind it. All it takes is a two second hello to make someone's day. If you have an elderly neighbour pop in when you're nipping to the shop and you could be making a world of difference. 

That's all Age UK and John Lewis are aiming for. A two minute reminder for the UK of what the true spirit of Christmas is. 

And with a £7m campaign that includes a smartphone game, plenty of merchandise (including the telescope used in the advert) and areas of 11 stores designed to look like the moon surface I'm very hopeful that John Lewis might just be successful. 

Hello... From this pointless piece of writing

I really like Adeles newest song. It's a cracker. Decent lyrics, incredible voice, brilliant music and plenty of suspense in the video. It's an Adele classic, evoking emotions in myself I didn't even know I had!

But surely I'm not the only one who feels that the ending of it is very flat and final? I feel very let down by the end of the song. Right up until that point the whole song feels almost like a show, it's a wonderful performance. 

And then it ends.

And it's just as bad as those stories where 'he woke up and it had all been a dream!'

 

 Maybe it's just because of the single Skyfall, I suppose I now associate Adele with the action and adventure of James Bond. Skyfall ended well, it's an incredible piece of music from start to finish. I felt there had been something great happen after listening to it. With 'Hello' I just feel slight emptiness and a little bit disappointed.

 Oh well. Nothing's going to stop me belting it out in the car :)

We went to Airspace UK

Work holidays are a wonderful thing! I've just had my first proper weekend off in a long time. One without me working the Friday night or the Sunday night, and one for once where I wasn't too tired to do anything. Nightshifts certainly take their toll on people!

 I spent my Sunday with my two little brothers Kurt and Josh, two of my absolute favourite people, plus two friends, Scott and Shelby. We went to 'Airspace' up in East Kilbride and wow was it a wonderful day! 

On the car journey there we had a lot of discussion about the price of going. It's £13 for a one hour session and the initial reaction was that this was maybe a little bit steep for only getting one hour in the place. Within 20 minutes of us being there we had concluded that actually for the exercise and fun you get for £13 the prices were in fact decent. 

 On arrival we signed in, as we had booked online, signed our disclaimer forms and we were then given 'non-stick' socks. These were an impressive safety addition I'd never have otherwise thought of. We were late for our 12:40 booking so the very kind staff member at the desk allowed us to move onto the next slot which started at 1pm. We were given blue wristbands and informed we had to wait for our safety talk and then we'd be allowed to go trampolining! Airspace works in band colours, so when your band colour gets called that's your time up. It's a very effective way of organising the large amounts of people who were there. We sat waiting to be called and shortly after a gentleman called for all blue bands to go to the safety brief room. 

 The safety brief was very helpful. It was short but informative, giving you the basics about safety such as not jumping on someone else's trampoline and watching out for other 'jumpsters' whilst you were traveling between trampolines. There was also talk of ways to land when you jumped, and a bit about staying safe when landing on the airbag. 

 And then we got to go up the stairs.

 Immediately the boys wanted to play dodgeball but it proved to be a very popular area that day and unfortunately was a bit we didn't manage to get into all day. So we started off in the 'Freestyle Jumping Area' which is an area covered in trampolines. Even the walls are bouncy. The trampolines vary in size and length, and there's bits to jump off of. The boys tried a snowboard style board where you strap your feet in and jump with it on. They kept falling over, it was very amusing for me. 

 After this we went to the Air Bag for a go. The Air Bag consists of two different heights of box to jump off. The smaller box has a trampette at the end to spring from whereas the high one you just jump from it onto the bag. The boys started off by jumping off the high bit however I was far too nervous. Once I had watched them do it I decided I needed to 'man up' and take a chance, which I did. Standing on the edge of the box preparing to jump off and land on my back I could only describe the feeling as that horrible nervous way you get when something really bad is about to happen. My stomach simultaneous sank to my feet and jumped into my throat. Once I had landed the feeling left me but I wasn't keen on jumping from there again. This part is definitely better for the braver ones out there, and I'm not that person. 

 We played at the basketball nets after this which was something I really enjoyed. There's two nets, each at different heights, and a row of trampoline leading to the net. I really enjoyed bouncing along and then trying to score! I managed twice but nobody saw it so according to the boys 'it doesn't count', but I think they were jealous that they never scored. 

Once we were done at the basketball the boys had a shot at football. The football consists of your usual football net but in front of the net is a wide trampoline, making it so much easier for the goalkeeper to save the ball. The boys enjoyed this however football is definitely not one of my talents therefore I avoided this bit, choosing instead to have a seat for five minutes. I was exhausted by this point. Shelby and myself decided to go for a 'freestyle bounce' while the boys were still playing football, and after a short time the three of them joined us. We spent the next 15 minutes laughing at each other's attempts at handstands, flips and forward rolls on the longest trampoline. 

 We were going to play dodgeball next however there was a game already on so we went into the 'Performance Area' where Kurt, Josh and Scott tried to learn some gymnastics, and I at one point bounced so high I flew off the trampoline and landed in a giggling heap on the padding. These trampolines were so bouncy it was a huge difference to the Freestyle area.

 The place is very well staffed, with the staff eagle eyed, keeping a close watch on everything happening around them. I had sat down for a minute just to sort my socks and someone came to check I was alright. They were polite and efficient at their jobs, keeping a watchful eye on everything that was going on. 

 The only negative thing I could say about the place was how busy the dodgeball courts were as each time we tried to get in for a game there was too many others playing, and on the other court there was a birthday party.  The space was very busy but thankfully there was plenty of space for everyone to bounce comfortably.

 I would without question recommend going for an afternoon out, it was so much fun and for the price it was definitely worth travelling up. It is absolutely somewhere I'll be going back to sooner rather than later. 

I Love Photos

 I woke up early yesterday morning. I then went trampolining in the afternoon, fell asleep for an hour before dinner and was ready for and in my bed by 7pm. I messed about on my phone for a while before eventually falling asleep at 8pm. Its currently 7:33am and I feel like Ive been awake for days. I got up at 2:30am and so far I've made myself some 'slimming word friendly' rice to freeze, defrosted my dinner (spaghetti bolognese) and some soup, and made myself and omelette. Its been a productive day already considering how early it is.

 In my morning nosy around my social media sites I spied the below photo.

Someone had then commented underneath saying 'that explains why he never took pictures of me'.

Its crazy to think you can read so much heartbreak from the truth in one sentence. Images and comments like this really hit home with me because its so true.

 I like to take pictures, its definitely one of my hobbies but its true, I take pictures of things that I fear I'll never see again - sunsets and sunrises, friends and family, cars and my favourite one: my dinners! I take these photos for myself to look back on in the future and to share with my friends and family who are far away and might be concerned about what I'm eating - especially now I'm following Slimming World!

I keep five photo albums in my room but one is only halfway in the process of being full. I have another album just patiently waiting to be filled. In these albums I have photos of random stuff that would be of no benefit or use to anyone other than me. My photos are of my fiends and my life, adventures I've been on and things I want to remember so that when I'm old I can prove to my grandchildren that I did indeed used to be very fun. I even keep photos from events that have passed and people I no longer talk to because they are a part of my past and something I want to remember forever, even if these people caused me to be upset at one time.

 Because thats just how life works. Things don't and won't always stick around forever and people are certainly more often than not very temporary. I'm a great believer in things happening for a reason though and everyone having an adventure laid out for them. Some people's adventures are marriage and having a family, some could be university or a job you really like. And if you lose someone somewhere along the line its only because they were needed elsewhere or perhaps theres just a better plan out there somewhere for you. You just need to keep an look out and then just maybe you'll find the great adventure that life has planned for you. 

Remembrance Sunday

Remembrance Day is a wonderful thing. It's lovely to see so many of the UK population pull together to remember people many of us never had the pleasure of knowing, and donating money to offer support to modern day veterans.

 The reason behind Remembrance Day, on the other hand, is a horrible thing. The way it has an effect everyone, even years afterwards is quite terrifying. This effect can be mental or physical health worries, financial worries, even down to worrying about people's opinions about you, whether they're against war or not makes a huge difference to people's views on soldiers. My family were affected by the war, as my Great Grandpa fought in the First World War. He was a handsome and proud man, whilst he was out there he was looking after his family back home and hoping to make them proud of what he was doing. But that unfortunately wasn't how it worked out, for he returned home a broken man, suffering from shellshock which is today recognised as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. 

 After suffering from a shocking event such as being in or witnessing a serious car accident, or being involved in war people are at quite a high risk of developing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. After such a shocking event many if not most people suffer from symptoms very similar to that of PTSD but these symptoms are temporary and are known as an Acute Stress Reaction. Most people go through this after trauma but for around one in three the symptoms continue, which is then known as Posttraumatic Stress Disorder.

 PTSD affects around 1 in 25 Regular Army members, and 1 in 20 Reservists. An average of 1 in 25 veterans are also affected. The general public are also at a risk of suffering from PTSD with around 3 in 100 said to be affected but this average is higher again for certain groups such as female rape victims and firefighters (1 in 2 and 1 in 5 respectively). It's not just a war related mental illness, as many people believe.

 In the UK, the charity Combat Stress works closely with veterans to ensure they're getting the help and support necessary to overcome this illness plus the army offers support too, which shows that the world has come a long way in accepting mental health issues from the First World War, when men were sent home from the war and openly mocked for being 'soft'. 

 My Great Grandpa came home from the war unable to work, or to provide for his family. This meant my Great Gran had to find some way to earn money, so she opened up a small cafe out of her front room. This in the eyes of many made her husband less of a man, but she stuck by him and she cared for and loved him as did all of his family. I'm certainly glad we've moved on from that kind of thinking now.  

http://www.combatstress.org.uk

Just a dreamer :)

Dreams are strange things. And these days mine are getting stranger and stranger.   

 Sleep isn't something I have any bother with, I can fall over just about anywhere. This is really handy considering I work permanent nightshift. In fact I think I'd sleep all the time if I could. The only time I have any bother with sleep is the very first night off I have after nightshift. And that's usually because of how much I've slept the day before. Yesterday I finished a run of 3 nightshifts in a row. I got into my bed at 8:30am and was so tired I slept through my 1pm alarm, waking naturally at 4:30pm. This then made it really hard for me to sleep last night. I went to bed around midnight and tossed and turned for hours, the last time I saw on my phone was 2:45am. And it's 8:45 in the morning and I'm now awake to help my cousin move house. I'm tired just now so who knows what I'll be like later on, quite often the day after my last nightshift I feel like having a nap but that's the worst thing I can do as it throws my body clock out even more.

 Plus that's when the weird dreams seem to kick in. Last time I had a nap was Tuesday afternoon. I had slept well the night before but unfortunately I was back to work for my final run of three before my fortnight a holidays (hooray!). In my dream I was going to Manchester with a girl I vaguely know from school and her family. We were going for a game of ten-pin bowling and I had offered to drive me and her to the train. Unfortunately we missed the train so I suggested she buy me lunch and give me petrol money for the journey and I'd drive us - save us being late. 

 I hardly speak to this girl and I never spoke to her in school. I'm not the biggest fan of bowling, although I'm not bad at it. The only thing about my dream that rings vaguely true is the fact that I am always up for a road trip. 

 So where do dreams actually come from? The little girl inside of me still likes to believe that they come each night from the BFG. Although worryingly that would mean that the bad giants are somewhere out there each night too. That thought certainly isn't a dream, it's much more of a scary nightmare, and I've had plenty of those too. 

 I scare far too easily for someone of my age but that's a whole other story. 

November 6th 2015

Halloween and Bonfire Night are two of my least favourite 'celebration days'. I'm not so keen on folk getting all dressed up and so I don't answer my door (I know I know I'm terrible) and I really don't like bonfire night. Fireworks are so beautiful to look at but so dangerous and so horribly noisy. The 'BANG' usually has me ducking for cover and my company in stitches.

Right now I work with people who have various disabilities ranging from very mild to severe. A lot of them do not like the constant explosions from above. 

 It makes my job a lot harder because as they all live in individual houses the staff are having to try to split themselves five or six ways in order to reassure everyone that things are ok. Some of the service users can't quite grasp that most of the displays are safe and most of the displays are organised. And that's because there's always a few odd ones who seem to ruin it for everyone, setting fireworks off in the streets, aiming them (yes this happened and yes it was on purpose) at someone in a wheelchair. All this to get a laugh from their friends? People have a strange idea of what's 'fun' these days. 

 When I was younger this time of year was magical. It's still magical to me now. I love the run up to Christmas, the countdown till the most wonderful day of my year! But I suppose that's another post for another day. 

Have a good November!