I've been really enjoying my life lately. It's taken a while but I'm finally headed somewhere positive (I think) and things are on a good streak.
Mainly.
It's a hard one isn't it? Happiness. You might never know whether you're truly happy or not, sometimes you think you're happy and you're actually not you're just settled, but it takes something life-changing to happen to make you see any different. I thought like that last year, even this time last year. I'd split up wth my ex-boyfriend in October last year and I'd thought we were really happy, I had a good job and a house and a beautiful wee cat and then it all fell apart. Slowly. It was like when it snows - it started off small, with things gently falling out of place and then suddenly everything was out of my control. I lost my job, then my boyfriend and then my house.
A year down the line I'm happier than I think I have been for a long time. I'm (loosely) sticking to slimming world so I'm still healthier than I've ever been, I socialise more, I have a job I adore with wonderful people. But I'm itching. I'm itching for change, for something new. Something more of a challenge with new people!
My biggest issue awkwardly is people. Socially I struggle sometimes. New people I find hard to handle and groups of people. Often groups of people I know but don't know to talk to are the worst. Even sometimes single people I know but don't do are hard for me to talk to. I get all awkward and shy and embarrassed then I realise I'm acting like a clown and get more embarrassed and it's just a hard circle to escape from.
But I always think that it makes you feel more alive to be in those sort of situations, the ones that make you worry a bit and your heart beat faster. Because you're feeling something no matter how small or pathetic it actually is. A reminder that yes you're still here and yes you matter. So many people don't understand how much they mean to another person or even know their own self worth.
I'd like to live far away, in some small town or village somewhere. Smaller than Irvine but not completely off the map. I like the sound of Orkney or Skye or the Shetland Islands. But on an opposite thought I'd be happy in Inverness or Fife or Aberdeen. Somewhere northern and a tiny tad more rural than here.
Nothing in Irvine really entices me more or draws me in to stay. Except for my job I have, but who knows how long that's going to last.
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